Melanie, who writes her own blog ‘But Seriously, who knew?’, describes the things that friends and strangers have said in response to her primary breast cancer diagnosis.
Melanie, who writes her own blog ‘But Seriously, who knew?’, describes the things that friends and strangers have said in response to her primary breast cancer diagnosis.
What’s the right thing to say?
So many friends have asked me about what is the right, or wrong, thing to say to someone with cancer. I don’t think there is necessarily a right thing – although I try and live by the theory that it is better to admit that I have no idea what to say rather than say something that might hurt someone. That being said, I still think something/anything should be said rather than nothing at all.
However, there are many wrong things that you can say! I am very aware that a lot of these comments come from embarrassment, fear of getting it wrong, or wanting to offer comfort, but unfortunately some also seem to come from ignorance. These are a few of the things people have said to me and my friends after their diagnosis.
1. ‘I know someone who’s had breast cancer’
‘I can empathise with you as my Mum had breast cancer.’
At this point I’m thinking, ‘Ah, I’m sorry to hear that.’
But then comes, ‘Oh but she is terminal now as she has a secondary brain tumour.’ Er, not really what I wanted to hear a day or two after my diagnosis.
Several people have told me the story, ‘My mum/best friend/aunt survived after having breast cancer three times.’ Again, not really what you want to hear when starting treatment for the first time.
2. ‘Will you survive?’
I’ve had a primary diagnosis, and I wasn’t sure how you answer this one so my response was simply, ‘I bloody hope so!’
This is a weird one because I think most of us would like to ask this question when we hear of someone with a cancer diagnosis, but social etiquette means we don’t. Either way, it totally took me by surprise.
3. ‘Be positive’
Another strange one is ‘Your positive attitude got you through this.’ Now I really do appreciate these sentiments, and I absolutely know they come from a good place, however I feel it somehow diminishes the struggle people who haven’t survived have gone through. I feel lucky to be alive and doing well – but then I feel chuffing unlucky to have had to go through this in this first place.
4. 'Your poor partner'
‘It is much worse for your partner watching you go through the treatment.’
Now I know it is very difficult for loved ones to watch someone go through it, but I’m still fairly sure it is worse, much, much worse, for the person actually with cancer.
5. ‘I know how you feel’
‘Have you been on a sabbatical?’
‘No I have had cancer.’
‘Goodness you don’t look like you have had cancer… I know just how you feel, I had to have a long time off work, but it wasn’t cancer.’
Well I don’t really suppose you know how I feel then.
6. ‘Your hair was thin anyway’
Not what you want to hear after hair loss.
Humour has got me through
This is just a very small snapshot but may just make us think a little before we jump in and say something potentially hurtful. I can laugh at, or brush off, most comments, but a few have left me speechless.
I too can say terribly inappropriate things. Uttering ‘Cancer, take me now!’ at a party with the most depressing music on had a few stares from strangers.
We all cope in different ways
So, this post can only ever be from my perspective – I find things funny that others may struggle with, and vice versa. What’s important is that we accept that people may feel differently about their diagnosis and want to talk about it in different ways.
Get our latest personal stories and news by signing up to our newsletter.