Kaz struggled with anxiety when she returned to work after treatment. She shares how she transitioned back to the workplace, and how a new-found routine helped her move forward.
I was worried I wouldn’t be able to cope
Going back to work after treatment was a big deal for me. I had so many questions and scenarios running through my mind, which kept triggering my anxiety. The main question at the front of my mind was, ‘Will I be able to cope?’
My hospital routine felt like a job
I was diagnosed with HER2 positive breast cancer in May 2017 at the ripe-old age of 31. After completing fertility treatment to preserve my embryos, my brutal cancer treatment began.
I had five months of , a , full lymph node clearance, 20 rounds of and 18 rounds of . It was a busy 15 months.
Being at the hospital every week became a routine – a bit like a crappy job. I knew what I had to do, had lunch on my chemo chair, chatted with other patients like I was in a weird board meeting, but I didn't receive the nice pay packet at the end of the month.
Hospital felt like my safe place
Appointment times filled my phone calendar. Any day that didn't involve treatment was spent resting at home watching Netflix, blogging or working on my charity, Wigs For Heroes, from bed.
Treatment became my life. I became somewhat institutionalised and felt like the hospital was my safe place where they were keeping me alive, but it was also a place that I despised.
I felt lost after treatment finished
The moment eventually came when it all ended, and I only had the Herceptin left to complete. Although my body was still recovering from chemotherapy and radiotherapy, I felt a little lost. I felt like I had come to the end of a fixed-term contract, without having an exit interview for the closure I needed.
I kept wondering, ‘What am I going to do with myself now?’
Despite having to continue visits to the chemotherapy unit every three weeks for Herceptin over the course of the next few months, I kept wondering, ‘What am I going to do with myself now?’
I decided to go back to work. Not only for my ever-drying pockets or my mental health, but also for a new routine that I was desperately hoping for.
I needed to get out of the ‘I'm a very sick person’ mode, and transition to the ‘I'm now cancer-free and must move on with my life’ mode. The easiest way was to grab onto a new routine... and fast.
I’ve started to settle in to work again
Scared and anxious (and maybe a little too soon according to some), I made the choice to phase myself back into my old job. The job where I had been signed off sick for well over a year. The workplace where 500 people who knew about my diagnosis would naturally want to know and ask how I'm feeling.
I’ve been back at work for a few hours a week for about nine weeks. Although I've had some ups and downs, it’s now become a routine that I’ve started to settle into again.
I like feeling useful again
My life changed during treatment. I found a passion for creative outlets which I thought I'd get into career-wise. But I wanted to remind myself of the taste of my old life, the old life which I thought I'd never go back to.
I wanted to relearn what work, and a tiring day in the office, were like. I wanted to relearn what contact with healthy people, being on someone else's clock, and being an independent woman were like. I wanted to relearn what conversations that didn't involve ‘cancer chat’ were like.
I like waking up to something other than a hospital appointment, and I like feeling useful again. Useful in something that I’m good at.
Read Kaz's five top tips on going back to work after treatment.
Getting back to work
Getting back to work after you've had breast cancer treatment can feel daunting, but support is available. Read our guidance on how to prepare and your rights at work.