How I manage my loved ones' reactions to cancer

Cancer leapt out of nowhere

Imagine you’re enjoying a sunny afternoon in your garden. You’ve made an effort to keep the lawn clipped and the flowers in good order. The birds are singing and you and your loved one are sitting peacefully on comfy chairs, sipping your tonic of choice and discussing plans for your wedding/holiday/career/children/financial future (delete as appropriate).

Your garden is reasonably secure from the road, and you’ve nothing to worry about. Then, out of nowhere, some six-foot brute appears and punches you in the face. He then slinks off into the bushes. Your loved one is crying, you’re both afraid, you’re in pain. You may feel shock, injustice, confusion… and then family and friends arrive to help and you have to explain it all to them while they’re crying and shaking with rage. And you’re all worried that the thug could be back at any moment – or perhaps he’s gone for good, who knows.

It’s a clumsy analysis, but I think it describes many people’s experience with cancer. You’re busy making plans when, out of the blue, your world is changed with those words, 'You have cancer'. Everyone around you is affected.

How can you manage the feelings of others?

So how do you manage your own feelings at a time when what’s happening to you is having such a profound impact on those around you?

1. Be open

Everybody’s situation is different, but in my experience it is better to be open and honest about what you’re going through. That way, you control your story, and it’s no longer water-cooler gossip, for example. You can always direct someone to the Breast Cancer Care site or call our Helpline on 0808 800 6000 if you can’t face talking through it all.

2. Ask your friends to speak to others

When I had my primary diagnosis, I was upset every time I said it out loud, so told a couple of my best friends and asked them to tell others. They were pleased to help, and I really appreciated that. It eases the burden if you don’t have to repeat yourself 10 times.

3. Stop a conversation if you're uncomfortable

It’s ok to bring an uncomfortable conversation topic to a close. Your body can become other people’s property, and for me, I’ve felt interrogated at times. "What about immunotherapy?", "When will your side effects abate?", "What will they give you if chemo doesn’t work?" The questions are well-intentioned, and I’m grateful for the passion, but it can become overwhelming. This is why I’m adopting a ‘hands up’ technique. When I don’t feel comfortable, I literally put my hand up to say, stop, please change the subject. By telling loved ones about this in advance, I avoid causing offence.

4. Try not to beat yourself up

You won’t always get it right, but don’t beat yourself up. I remember, for example, blurting out my primary diagnosis at the end of a lovely dinner party. It really was a blunder –"Coffee? More cheese?" "Yes please, and.. I have cancer!"

But my friends were pleased I’d told them, and have been a wonderful support ever since. Now I take a leaf out of my oncologist’s book: "I have bad news, but I also have a plan."

5. Try to avoid negativity

Try to resist being influenced by negativity. Loved ones may feel rage, for example. While understandable, it’s not always a healthy emotion. I’ve had to explain to a few people that their rage is their own, and not one I share. If you’re firm but polite, they’ll understand.

6. Notice the little things to be grateful for

There’s always something to be grateful for, even on the darkest days: friends, family, a warm bed, a friendly nurse or even just being alive. I started a positivity book, in which I stick all sorts of notes, pictures and messages – anything that makes me smile. I feel better when I’m happy, and what’s the downside of feeling good, even for a moment?

Cancer is overwhelming

Cancer is an overwhelming diagnosis, and I’d suggest coming to terms with your own emotions before trying to handle the feelings of others – in other words, put your own oxygen mask on first. It can feel selfish at times, telling your BFF that you don’t feel chatty when they’ve made the effort to call, but true loved ones will get it.

I’ve found a huge range of activities and people to help me: counselling, meditation, support groups, yoga, gentle exercise and a jolly good rom com are all good places to start. The Breast Cancer Care website and Becca app have lots of ideas and tips for anyone moving forward after a primary diagnosis.

Look after yourself first

As I’ve said in a previous blog, be kind to yourself. It doesn’t get much tougher than life with cancer, for you or those around you. Right now, try to think of one thing you’re grateful for in life, and go from there.